Wordy Wednesday: You, Part 4

Today's continuation:  More about relationships.  This time:  Your NUMBER ONE relationship (spouse, lover, boyfriend/girlfriend.)

This is probably the most important relationship in your life.  You should be working diligently at making it a GREAT one.  Now, we all get lazy.  I'm just as guilty as everyone else.  But, at the end of the day, THIS relationship is the one that counts.  THIS relationship is your "soft place to land," the one that helps you unwind and decompress and holds your shit together.  It's also the one you hope will be around after your kids are grown.  Nurture it.  Every.Single.Day.

Every day?  I can hear some of you groaning already.  Yes, every day.  Even if it's just one simple small act of kindness directed at your number ONE.  Every day.  Ask if there is something you can do for them.  If they seem hurried, or stressed...offer to take something off their plate.  If you know they are stressed because of work (which, mostly likely, you can't help with,) pick up an extra "chore" or two at home that is normally delegated to them.  If you both work, this still applies.  You normally cook, and they clean up after the meal...but you know they are stressed about something--let them sit and read, or watch some mind numbing TV, or go for a walk, or take a shower...whatever THEIR thing is, let them do it, with no guilt, while YOU do the required extra work.  Relationships are a give and take, and when YOU are the stressed out one, they SHOULD jump in, too.  If your relationship is not give and take, I suggest you stand up and bang a gong and get that number ONE's attention and reset your scales, establish some balance.  Now, maybe doing the dishes will make your number ONE feel better.  It's important to note that I speak from a place of my number ONE being an "acts of service" love language fella.  If it sounded like I switched to greek there, I recommend you read this article.   And check out The Five Love Languages Book.  Learn HOW to tell your number ONE that you love them.  Sometimes, YOU think you're doing it because you are doing things in the way YOU would want them done.  Maybe your spouse speaks a different language.  It's at least worth a shot, right?  What is there to lose, truly?   My love languages are physical touch, and gifts.  I love presents, even little tiny ones (post-its...my number ONE leaves me post-its.  It's the most wonderful gift.  A note that just says "Smile," is hard to ignore.)  My number ONE's love languages are physical touch (we really lucked out there, that our number one way of communication is the same, phew) and acts of service.  Pitching in and doing something for him, or asking what I can do...goes a long way (and sometimes, he doesn't even WANT me to do anything...but he's always pleased and glowy feeling just because I ASKED.)

It's also a good practice to throw in a little of ALL the love languages.  Touch your number ONE.  Tell them they look nice (my number ONE is great at telling me he thinks I'm sexy...at random times, not just when he's trying to get laid.)  DO something FOR them.  Buy them a small gift that made you think of them.  Leave them a note.  My number ONE is superb at this.  But it hasn't always been that way.  We've been down the rabbit hole.  We hit a 7 year rut (a little early..) and I thought it was toast.  I was waving my white flag and packing my toys to go.  By some miracle, and a lot of hard work on our (mostly his) part, we have righted the ship.  I would be hard pressed to come up with any suggestions for making our relationship better at this point.  Do I think it will always be this way....with a lot of maintenance, yeah.  Will it have slumps?  Yeah.  Will we have to pick it back up after driving into the ditch again?  I hope it never gets that bad again, but if it does, we'll give it a go.  ;)

I know some of you have been married a long time.  Things get 'off' sometimes after so many years together.  Heck, things can get off after only a few months together.  You get into a rut.  You fall into a routine.  You like the routine.  You resent having to change it.  Knock that shit off.  Despite what you may think, or may have been told...you aren't the center of the universe.  If you're going to be IN this with someone else, you're going to have to be IN it.  Give and take, babe.  Give and take.

Wordy Wednesday: You, Part 3

Today's post about you is going to focus on relationships.

In my personal life right now, I am watching the life of someone I love rapidly unravel.  It makes me sad, but it's their choices that brought them to this place, and so I feel like "you made this bed for yourself..."  I am angry, incredibly so, because there were some lies told.  Yes, I was lied to.  But honestly, I'm more upset about the perpetuation of this lie onto people I care about.  However, if we're being totally open here, this friend was warned.  I tell new people to my life this statement:  I am incredibly forgiving, there is nothing we can't work through as long as you are HONEST.  Lie to me, you've slit your own throat, and I'm going to be done here.  Fair warning.  I'm done here.  Constructing a web of lies, hurting people I deeply love, refusing to come clean about things that I've encouraged you to address in your personal life, involving people who you know you can take advantage of because of their own personal issues, and breaking my trust.  None of these are things we can come back from.  And, I've tried.

Now that you have an understanding of where this post is coming from, lets focus more on relationships in general and less on MY broken one, shall we?

Everyone should do an evaluation of the relationships in your life.  Look at the people you spend time with.  I'm not talking about acquaintances, some times you are forced to spend time with people who aren't your first choice because of extenuating circumstances.  Don't let them suck time/energy from you, but don't beat yourself up over those relationships.  Look more at the relationships you CHOOSE.  Are these positive relationships?  Good relationships will have give and take.  Balance.  If you step back, and take an honest look and can't find anything that you are GETTING from the relationship, you might need to also take a step back from that relationship.  On a secondary note, relationships sometimes have an ebb and flow...meaning that for a while it might be perfectly realistic for you to be the GIVER.  Maybe they've had an unexpected family situation arise (an older relative needing a lot of time and attention, a hospitalization, a sick kid, their own illness--something bigger than a cold) and they just really CAN'T create that balance for you.  But, you've been friends a few years, and this isn't a pattern for them.  Then, yes, you should settle into the role of GIVER for awhile, and know that it will once again resume it's balance when the crisis is over.

This is true for friendships, as well as more intimate relationships.  All relationships should have an overall balance.  One person shouldn't be the only one doing all the work.  When people want you in their life, they will make an effort to keep you there.

Forgive others.  There is a saying:  Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.  This is amazingly true.  Hanging on to your anger, resentment, and hurt has no effect on the OTHER person. It just ruins you.  Let it go.  (Bursts into Disney song.....)  On a personal note, I wish nothing bad for the person mentioned in the first paragraph of this blog.  I hope they see (really SEE) how much hurt they have others and their self, make some changes to their life, and continue on a better path that leads to good things and happiness.  I still love this person.  I still want good things for them.  You can CHOOSE that, and still not CHOOSE to have them in your life.

Lastly, believe Maya Angelou.

You, part 1
You, part 2

Wordy Wednesday: You, Part 2

Last week, I wrote a post about YOU.

Today, I'm going to continue that thread of thinking.  Maybe it will develop into a series.  Who knows.  But it is what is on my heart and brain right now.  This post is going to be about the ways you can take care of YOU.  We are going to start the ideas with your physical person.

As a fitness instructor, I have heard a ton of excuses about WHY people don't do more to take care of their physical health.  Number one is always "no time."  C'mon now.  This is a LAME excuse.  I know some of you are CRAZY insanely busy and don't have a job that requires you to exercise.  But, truly, there is always time for things that you make a priority.  Get out of bed 15 minutes earlier.  Take 15 minutes at lunch.  If you put dinner in the oven, do something active for that time.  At the sink washing dishes, add in some exercises (calf raises, or squats would be easy to do right there at the counter.)  Sweeping or mopping?  Make sure you keep your abs pulled in.  Vacuuming?  Do some lunges.  What I'm really saying here is LOOK for ways to add in some exercise.  You will feel better.  Go for a walk (or jog,) even if it's 10 minutes, it's 10 minutes!  Don't minimize it and tell yourself things like:  I only have 10 minutes.  It's not going to make a difference.  Etc.  Anything you do is better than nothing!

I've never been a make-up wearing kind of gal.  (Until the last month or so but that's a whole other post!)  But, I did find that washing my face and applying a moisturizer (with SPF) made me feel more awake, and put together somehow!  I am a firm believer in taking care of your skin, who wants to look older than they are??  It takes about 60 seconds to make this step happen.  You will feel better, you'll look better...it's all win-win.  If you are a make-up wearing kind of gal, take the 5 minutes to do your make-up.  I admit, I still don't wear make-up, if I am staying home all day.  If I am going out though, I can do make-up in a matter of minutes, so it's really not a big deal!  Just do it.

Get out of your PJ's!  For the love of all things holy, get out of your PJ's!  I understand there are pj days, and that is not what I'm talking about here.  Everyone needs a pj day here and there:  when you're sick, when the family is sick, when the weather is nasty, when you've had an exceptionally busy time lately....all of these (and plenty of others I did not list, I'm sure) are perfectly acceptable pj days.  A good friend of mine tries to have one pj day for her and her kiddos every week.  And that is awesome.  I should also point out that THIS friend gets more done than anyone else I know.  She's super-woman-mom!  She earns that pj day.  You really will get more done and feel better about yourself if you get dressed.  I promise.

Looking and feeling better about yourself will go a long way towards your personal health.  It will also run over into other parts of your life:  your relationships, your job, your motivation.  It's an avalanche effect.

Take care of YOU (the physical side.)   Seem overwhelming?  Start with ONE thing.  Every day for the next 7, make yourself get dressed.  Every day for the next 7, put on make-up.  Every day for the next 7, do 10 (or 5 or 15...) minutes of exercise.  You can do this, for YOU.




I continued this line of thinking about YOU, in a third week.

Wordy Wednesday: You

Occasionally, I like to write posts about ME.  It seems self-centered and possibly self serving, but I think it helps others too.  Recently, I had an opportunity to discuss with my eldest (15 yr old, One) how women often "lose themselves" to motherhood.  I explained that I did, long ago when her and her sister-18 months apart-were small and taking care of them consumed ALL of my energy.

I realize some of my fatal mistakes, and hope that by sharing them I can save (or at least minimize) her this experience.  Maybe some of you are new(er) moms,  maybe some of you aren't newere moms but are ONLY moms (having lost yourself to motherhood, and been unable to find yourself again,) maybe YOU can benefit from my learning, too.  Mistakes I made:

1.  I didn't take care of myself.  Like, at all.  I ate poorly.  I didn't exercise.  I didn't read.  I didn't dance.  I didn't DO any of the things that I LOVED and ENJOYED prior to becoming a mother.  It was like giving birth ripped who *I* was, right out of me.

2.  I didn't have a partner.  I had a man who lived in my house.  He played with our children.  But he was NOT my partner.  I don't say that with any contempt or blame for him, truly.  I knew what he was like going in.  I chose to think it would change, or somehow would be different.  That's MY fault, not his.

3.  I cut myself off from the outside world, and therefore, any possible support system I could have developed.  I'm an idiot.

I see mothers every day who are clearly lost in motherhood.  I can remember a time when if someone had asked me "What I like to do?" or "How do you spend your 'free' time?" I'd have had no response...I'd have had to think of ANYTHING that had ANYTHING to do with ANYTHING other than my children.  Maybe that's what some people want from life.  It wasn't for me.  And, I have a hard time believing that those people are fulfilled or happy in their core.  I think we have an innate being in us, and that being doesn't cease to exist because we procreated, or adopted a child.  That being will suffer from being ignored just as much as a child would.

I encourage you, yes YOU, to find YOU.  You are still in their somewhere.  That being, the girl who existed BEFORE anyone called you Mom, she's waiting for you to return to her.  Nurture her.  Love her.  The rewards will be JUST as great as those you are already receiving from being "Mom."

Lastly, I promise you the TWO of you can co-exist.  "Mom" and "You" can live in harmony.  Strike a balance.  You will benefit.  Your relationships with others will benefit.  Your child will benefit.

Love you.  It allows you to more effectively love others.







I continued this in a part 2, and 3.